Automotive supergroup, Stellantis, has announced it is spending over €30 billion ($36.6 bn) between now and 2025 on its electrification program.
But what we want to know is how much of that humungous pile of cash was peed up the wall on the impossibly lame eco-themed catchphrases also revealed today for each of the company’s brands?
Stellantis has managed to come up with a jumble of words to sum up each subsidiary carmaker that are so stomach-churningly cheesy, their only saving grace is they’re totally forgettable so the pain is brief. But before we get into those awful Stellantis slogans, let’s remind ourselves of some of the automotive world’s greatest.
And there are plenty more where those three came from:
Chevrolet: The heartbeat of America
MINI: It’s a MINI Adventure
Land Rover: The best 4×4 by far
Audi: Vorsprung durch Technik
Ford: Have you driven a Ford lately?
Jeep: The Toughest 4-letter Word on Wheels
GMC: We are Professional Grade
Distilling the character of an entire brand into just a handful of words is a real art form, but each of the slogans above managed to do that, or clearly transmit the company’s latest message. They were clever when new, and clever enough that we still remember them years later.
See what we mean? They’re terrible. We get it: we should all be trying to minimise the damage we do to the planet, customers increasingly care about sustainability, and carmakers want to show they do, too. But by shoehorning an eco-message into each slogan, the various Stellantis marketing teams have managed to scrub almost all of the character from their brands.
It seems to us that since everyone is doing the sustainable thing, there’s no practical advantage in crowing about it. Surely consumers would prefer some straight-talking honesty from carmakers? So we came up with a few alternatives.
Stellantis says: “Heating Up People, But Not the Planet”
Carscoops says: “Feeling the Heat at the Warranty Counter, but Nowhere Else”
Stellantis says: “From 2024, Alfa Becomes Alfa e-Romeo”
Carscoops says: “From 2030 it’s By-ee Romeo if We Don’t Get our Act Together”
Stellantis says: “Clean Technology for a New Generation of Families”
Carscoops says: “Clean Technology for a New Generation of Families that Don’t Live Near a Kia Dealer”
Stellantis says: “Citroën Electric: Well-Being for All!”
Carscoops says: “Citroën Electric: Our Electrical Reliability Record Speaks For Itself”
Stellantis says: “Tear Up the Streets… Not the Planet”
Carscoops says: “After Tearing Up the Planet, We Want to Save it”
Stellantis says: “The Art of Travel, Magnified”
Carscoops says: “The Art of Lexus, Frenchified”
Stellantis says: “It’s Only Green When It’s Green for All”
Carscoops says: “It’s Only Green When We Smell Money”
Stellantis says: “Zero Emission Freedom”
Carscoops says: “FYI, Zero Charging Points On The Rubicon Trail”
Stellantis says: “The Most Elegant Way to Protect the Planet”
Carscoops says: “Not The Most Elegant Way to Pretend a Once-Great Marque Isn’t In Desperate Need of a Mercy Kill””
Stellantis says: “The Best in Performance Luxury, Electrified”
Carscoops says: “The Best in Failing to Sell the Idea of an Italian Car to BMW Owners”
Stellantis says: “Green is the new cool”
Carscoops says: “We’ll be Whatever Color You Want if it gets us Better Than a Lowly 10th in the Sales Charts”
Stellantis says: “Turning Sustainable Mobility into Quality Time
Carscoops says: “Turning Around in the Middle of the Atlantic and not Coming to America After All”
Stellantis says: “Built to Serve a Sustainable Planet”
Carscoops says: “Built to Make Up for Dodge and Chrysler sales”
Stellantis says: “The Global Leader in e-Commercial Vehicles”
Carscoops says: “Man, you know what, credit to the Stellantis marketing guys, this slogan gig is harder than it looks”
Think you can do better that Stellantis? Stick your best Stellantis slogans in the comments.